How to have sensitive conversations

Very rarely do we feel comfortable entering into a conversation with someone who is angry, anxious or upset with us. How often have you been involved in one of those interactions where both parties leave feeling more connected than when they started. My guess is rarely, if at all. Of the times that you have, are you able to identify what contributed to the successful outcome?

In this article, I’m going to concentrate on situations where there is some amount of time between the initial trigger and subsequent debriefing conversation. If you want help tackling on the spot negative feedback then click HERE (insert link - article will be written over the next week).

One of the most memorably examples of this kind happened a few years ago between myself, a close friend and our children, all three between the ages of 9-11yrs old. Prior to the conversation, my friend was angry and defensive about what she felt had gone on, how she perceived her child had been treated and the resulting impact. So the stakes felt pretty high. Both adult and child relationships were in the balance. Pure serendipity that at that time I was immersed in the works of Nancy Kline whose life work focuses on uninterrupted time to think (and speak). I was sure none of us were in possession of all the facts and most definitely assumptions and misinterpretations had been made. Our success lay in our collective abilities to hear each other.

As we were traipsing along the familiar local high street to a quiet pizza restaurant where we had arranged to meet, my daughter turned and said ‘I’d rather lose an arm than go ahead with this’. At that point, my stomach was churning. High stakes conversations aren’t easy and that’s why in the short term it’s easier to avoid them. But the opportunity to clear the air, gain mutual understanding, most importantly to grow is the reward that trumps avoidance. Within an hour of sitting down we were all leaving not just superficially on good terms but all in a different place with our friendship. That day was one of my proudest achievements in terms of facilitating personal growth and if children can grasp it then so can you.

Our mutual accomplishments were not accidental. For my part, I worked hard for the outcome we achieved, both alone on my own thoughts and planning and prepping the children about why we were bothering in the first place. To help you approach similar interactions take a look at my 14 top strategies for fruitful conversations. They are just as applicable in the workplace as they are in the domestic arena.

• Rename, in your head, the conversation from ‘difficult’ to ‘sensitive’.

Take away the negative connotations. It’s something to be handled with care as opposed to a horrible task that should be done.

• Arrange to meet in a neutral place.

If it has to be by phone then so be it. I’d encourage meeting virtually as there’s so many more behavioural clues to pick up on when we can see and hear the other person(s). That said, if you both prefer the phone then go for that medium as opposed to not meeting at all.

• Set an intention, a strategy and prepare to be flexible.

Intention - This conversation needs to be about really understanding our triggers,different cause and effect points and why we’ve ended up where we are.

Strategy - I’ll start to facilitate a conversation where each person gets their turn to speak without interruption and bring in my friend (the other mother) to co-facilitate. When someone is speaking, there is no interruption. The idea is to be able to finish the thought and to listen to each other.

• Consider body preparation

Body scan beforehand to get rid of unwanted tension, be aware of your breath - make sure you’re not doing short, sharp inhalations. Consciously take it into your stomach where it will support you better. This step is in danger of sounding laughable but just like you would physically prepare for any game or sport, doing a small bit of tension management beforehand gives a sense of grounding.

• Think about the situation from their point of view and really put yourself in their shoes.

So often, we think we’ve done that and realise we are still in our own shoes focusing on how we think they shouldthink.

• Rehearse beforehand what you want to say to start the meeting

Practise your opening - say what you think you are meeting about, what your intentions are and agree some ground rules. This doesn’t have to be as formal as it sounds but what you want to do is set the scene. Include words that demonstrate impartiality, kindness and openness. so that you start as you mean to go on. Don’t rehearse other parts of the conversation as this is where you will need to be flexible. You need to remain open to what they bring.

• Have a glass of water in case of dry mouth

A sip gives you time to think plus there’s nothing worse than your mouth feeling like a sand pit.

• Don’t interrupt

Perhaps even suggest at the beginning your intention to do this - and make sure (however tricky) that you actually stick to this. The cleanest way to position this without sounding formulaic is to recognise this will benefit all parties, to be able to speak and think without fear of being jumped on.

• Stay away from blame or assumption

Put focus into understanding context and stick to facts and feelings. Think Adult to Adult interaction (transactional analysis).

• If you have been surprised by anything they have said, acknowledge it.

Don’t take a position, letting go of a particular point of view when you learn new information can be incredibly freeing.

• Communicate with integrity

Don’t be something you are not - the other party will smell it.

• Avoid diluting language

This shift tends to take a bit of time and practise but if you catch yourself saying things such as ‘kind of’, ‘sort of’, repetition of ‘like’ and ‘yes but’, try to pause and cut them out. They are just fillers, they don’t serve any purpose and worse, they make you sound uncommitted.

• Allow silence

If you can see that the other person is thinking about what to say or experiencing a shift in perception allow them space for this to formulate or land.

• Thank them for their care and sensitivity

Recognition is a wonderfully connecting trait. If you feel they have treated you graciously and thoughtfully then tell them so.

**If you want to work on and/or practise a sensitive conversation email me at suzanne@coachingcreatives.uk